I notice that everyone has that slight cast of familiarity...either they look like or feel like someone I already know. There are about 3 hours to make introductions and absorb information before the vow of 10 days of silence takes hold. This charges the air with a nervous energy and most of us don't know what to expect of ourselves or the experience, in fact we all start to get silent before we are actually required to.
And then...you can almost hear a heavy metal gate slam shut...
Welcome to Introvert's Paradise! Where small talk doesn't exist...feel free to stare off into space, stop mid-walk in the middle of the path just to finish a thought! Dont worry about how greasy your hair is or that you've worn the same pants 3 days in a row---no one else will even notice! Fantastic.
The first day was just that, full of firsts.
Hey, I'm sleeping in a bunk bed. Hey, I've got 11 room-mates. Hey, I'm getting up at 4:00 am because someone is walking by with a gong. I'm eating stewed prunes. I'm spending 10 hours of my day sitting on a pillow in a hall with 200 other people just observing my breath. I'm not making eye contact with anyone. Oh, I like that girl's shoes.the daily schedule:
4:00 am Morning wake-up bell
4:30-6:30 am Meditate in the hall or in your room
6:30-8:00 am Breakfast break
8:00-9:00 am Group meditation in the hall
9:00-11:00 am Meditate in the hall or in your room according to teacher's instructions
11:00- 12noon Lunch break
12noon-1:00 Rest and interviews with the teacher
1:00-2:30 pm Meditate in the hall or in your room
2:30-3:30 pm Group meditation in the hall
3:30-5:00 pm Meditate in the hall or in your room according to teacher's instructions
5:00-6:00 pm Tea break
6:00-7:00 pm Group meditation in the hall
7:00-8:15 pm Teacher's Discourse in the hall
8:15-9:00 pm Group meditation in the hall
9:00-9:30 pm Question time in the hall
9:30 pm Retire --Lights out
by Day 2 the novelty wore off .
well, the novelty of meditating for 10 hours a day...which at the early stages of this retreat (which is an introduction to the technique) involves "sharpening" the mind, observing the breath, ALL focus on the nose---particularly bothersome to me because it's the one part of myself I've struggled to love (ok, actually more bothersome for the folks suffering from colds or the flu---having to be aware that they couldn't really breathe AT ALL through the nose). Often it was like watching someone watch someone else watch paint dry. Also, a solid introduction to the layout of my mind...which continually intruded on this excercise.
So I'm not so complicated. Basically my brain consists of 4 quadrants: The Autopsy Lab, The Courtroom, The Nightclub Stage, and the Petting Zoo and the corridors that connect them are either memories or desires. I'm either dissecting and examining, judging and defending, entertaining and crafting, or loving and learning. That's the realization I came to and the mind seemed a less daunting and/or fascinating place, in fact when faced with it's mundacity it became easier and easier to pay attention to the"other thing".
The "other thing"...the observer of the observer, pure equanimity, not concerned with questions or meaning... is much harder to write about because it is the mind that describes it.
I've been back for a week now and I think there is some frustration that I didnt have a huge epiphany. In fact my memory of the whole thing is hazy. It could be argued that I spent so much of those 10 days in a trance state that it stands to reason that my memories have settled more into my unconscious than conscious. But I can tell you things like:
I smelled and felt the breath of my dead cat
I remembered an episode of Kung Fu in its entirety
I remembered shopping for the outfit that I wore in my 4th grade school picture
I heard the sound of the windshield wipers from my mom's Ford Country Squire wagon.
I smelled and tasted Bubble Yum (regular and grape flavors)
I was both inside and outside the meditation hall simultaneously
And, at one point, the lower half of my body disappeared and merged with everything around it
Also I could tell you :
How hilarious it was to see people randomly standing around staring at nothing ...it looked like an insane asylum. How most communication really is non-verbal, some people were incredibly LOUD thinkers. How I started to give people nick names to amuse myself (Socks, Slow Ride, Hobbit Witch, Desperately Seeking Suki, Shuffles, Mrs. Beasley, Desert Donna, Merlin etc...) I kept imagining things as a reality TV show. And how Goenka, the man who is responsible for the re-emergence and popularization of this form of meditation, is completely adorable and a cross between Yoda and Peter Falk. How I had a difficult time adjusting my ear to his accent and for the first 2 days I heard 'Be aware of your respiration' as 'Be aware of your desperation'---which TOTALLY changes the trajectory of thought. And during the chanting there was a portion where I thought he was saying "gay plant takes a journey". It never stopped making me laugh. I kept imagining a philedendron with one of it's leaves in a fey gesture dandied out in a pink scarf carrying a Louis Vuitton valise and small white dog.
It was hard to keep track of the days. Was this the 3rd or the 7th? The dreams were incredible, vivid and real, most filled with fantastical imagery. I was frustrated at not being able to write any of it down (reading and writing are banned) and by the 4th day(?) I was having trouble waking up from them entirely and I stopped attending the 4:30am meditation in the hall. It was cold, I slept with all my clothes on. The mattresses were an inch thick and covered in vinyl that was obnoxiously loud whenever you made the slightest movement. It rained, towels never really dried.
******************
On the fourth day we were taken more deeply into the technique.
You begin to bring your awareness to the entire body, piece by piece...part by part. You are to be "aware" of any and all sensations you feel, both pleasant and unpleasant. You are just to observe, not react. From this point forward you are actually practicing Vipassana, you also begin to practice "Sittings of Strong Determination". And this is where all the magic happens. You have to sit completely still for 3 of the 10 hours (and more if you can manage it).
The pain that creeps up is like nothing I'd ever felt before, and because I was determined not to move I had to find a way to deal with it. This is how the mind gets "retrained", how it begins to understand that nothing is permanent, that sensations do not last, that it is possible to detach and merely observe. Believe me, you learn very quickly that the more freaked you get, the more you react, the more intense the pain. Attachment is suffering...this goes for the pleasant sensations too, which are generally the ones that occur right after the painful ones subside. The point is just to observe, observe, observe.
As you improve this skill, sharpen your mind, you can scan the body more quickly, from head to toe and toe to head. I would describe it as an awareness of each molecule of the body being in constant vibration, a sense that nothing is solid. Eventually, although this only happened to me a few times and with a fleeting awareness, you can experience the vibrating molecules of the space around you, the people around you, the building and beyond. I felt like me, but also like everything. I was here and also there. Yes, everything is connected. There are countless others who have described this far more poetically.
I had experienced this feeling before, through sex: any sense of separateness dissolves, mixed together in a mysterious dance---body awareness merged with a thousand other levels. A delight beyond the body, where we are one moving mass of energy and awareness, no longer two separate poles of consciousness. Ecstacy in all it's varied meanings. But, with sex, it is also tied to something earthy and human.
To reach a similar state through meditation is also incredible, but for me, oddly passionless. We are told to let go of passionate love in favor of compassionate love. I am not interested in giving up passion. Not that I disagree with the teachings of Buddhism, I think they're right on... but I'm ok with some of the messiness. I feel like I'm meant to experience my senses fullly and ardently, I like being subjected to all the rigors of being human and imperfect. It's painful as hell but all the pain I've endured has expanded me, made me love more deeply and more compassionately. As I've grown I've gotten better at not "acting" on my passions as they develop---and I can see how a strong meditation practice helps even further with that.
Also, I do believe I'm still processing everything that happened...there is no telling how I might feel in a year or so. That last night, after the silence was broken and we all got to know each other after having shared this remarkably intense experience, was one of the most joyous of my life. Describing it could never do it justice. We stayed up laughing hysterically until 1:00am like sixth graders at a slumber party. I was laughing so hard at one point that I felt dangerously close to dying, seriously....but what a way to go! All the hardship of the previous 10 days was worth the happiness of that evening, truly. I went to sleep crying tears of purity and joy. The joy I had felt before, the purity...not so much. It was amazing.
So for now, I plan to continue meditating. In fact, I met some fantastic people there who I plan to continue meeting and meditating with. I am definately interested in incorporating more compassion and service into my life. But I still want to drink, read trashy gossip, get mad at dumb drivers and generally keep a little of the poison in me at all times.
Sadhu, Sadhu, Sadhu.
