Stranded on a deserted island with your mind...that's what it felt like some of the time.
When it's sunny you lay next to each other remarking on the peacefulness. You both take in the hypnotic quality of the ocean waves under the profound vastness of a cloudless sky. and. then. your mind gets bored:
"Ok, I'm done. Hey, do you remember where that tree with the really good mangoes was? I'LL go get US some lunch, even though I feel like I'm ALWAYS the one doing all the hunting and gathering, I mean, I cant lie around all day anyway, I'll totally get all fat and squishy. You know what I miss, I miss McDonalds french fries. Mmmmmm, french fries. Also, I need a new book to read. Should I do fiction or non-fiction, I feel like I've been doing so much non-fiction, maybe I should read fiction for a while. Do you think I should cut my hair? I wonder if so-and-so misses me? HEEELLLLLOOOOO, I'm talking here..."
and when a hurricane comes you calmly head for shelter in a cave and your mind runs around screaming and crying.
"OH MY GOD! WE'RE GONNA DIE! "
What I'm describing here is partially my experience of Vipassana meditation.
I've been back for 5 days now from a 10 day silent Vipassana meditation retreat and I've been having a hard time writing about it, encapsulating the experience. Partially because much of what happened falls outside the realm of language. But also, it is like trying to describe the experience of another person. It's not that "I" feel so deeply changed, more that it feels like it all occurred in an alternate universe of my life.
I could easily describe the routines, the concrete particulars...the conditions, the people, the surroundings. But what happened internally? That data has yet to be beamed back down from the satellite I launched while there.
**************************
I had arrived early the day of registration. "You can take a walk if you want to kill some time, I hear the woods are loaded with really good trails", suggested one of the instructors.
So I did just that...into the redwoods and moss and mud. Although it was a bright and sunny day, inside those woods it felt like a grey and rainy day. The canopy was so thick that the damp from the rains of weeks earlier had yet to dry and it was easily 15 degrees cooler. It was also disorienting, and I quickly realized I had sort of lost my bearing on the direction of camp. I had started on a path that led downhill and wound around a small pond full of dark silty water, and then it headed back up a hill...but the camp was not appearing. I would come to a fork and choose a direction that seemed natural and then after 15 minutes think maybe I'd made a mistake and I'd follow it back to the original fork. I did that several times and all that did was disorient me further.
I was starting to freak out. I hadn't been able to register yet, so no one REALLY knew I was there...no one would even stop to think I was missing. I knew I had been gone close to 2 hours at that point. I was sweating and panting, starting to emit little whimpers and my eyes were filling with thick tears that weighed on the rims and launched down my cheeks one slow roll at a time. And then I heard something in the bushes.
I followed the sound and discovered a little clearing, a meadow, and off in the near distance I could see a ROOF LINE. I stood still, laughing at myself and then 3 deer galloped by me, maybe 20 feet away. Two of them seemed to be chasing off the other and when that was accomplished they sauntered back by and just stopped right in front of me, staring. So there we were. Me and these 2 deer standing motionless for what seemed like 10 minutes...all of us stuck in an invisible headlight. They were beautiful, graceful, aware and proud. Eventually, they just walked away and disappeared back into the woods. I headed towards that roofline and FINALLY found myself back where I had started.
An apt beginning to things.
