Just another day at the office...

This is a REAL commercial for restaurant chain in Australia...and after I laughed out loud, it left me speechless. There's so much to say that my thoughts are all piled up in my mouth and nothing can escape.

you have...mass

Mom: I'm having one of those colonoscopies tommorow. That's not that thing you do, right. You do something different.

Me: Yeah, I get colonics.

Mom: Well how often?

Me: Oh, like once or twice a year.

Mom: and you think it's help to keep your weight down?

Me: Well, I don't know, maybe. That's not why I do it, but it does help my body digest better so it probably helps with weight. But honestly Mom, I eat pretty well and exercise regularly, plus I'm not really a fat person to begin with.

Mom: Well, no. You're not fat, but you have a bigness, you have...what would I call it...mass.

Me: (silently to self) @#^#@%$#^$#*&^%^#@^^%)(**^%#$#$!$@##W^&%^%!


Anne Lamott recounts a story from her friend, Tom.

Tom:
"Parents behavior can make us a little crazy sometimes. My 94 year old mother said something annoying to me over the phone on Christmas Eve, and I wined at her, 'I HATE it when you say that.' So she says it again, right? I said, 'Please dont't say that. It makes me feel like an eleven year old.' And when she said it again, I slammed down the phone.

She's 94! I'm a middle-aged PRIEST----and it's Christmas Eve!"

obsession becomes ritual

Have watched this video everyday since discovering it. I get something new each time. Today it made me think about the facade of romantic love and our eagerness to accept an illusion. I love that she wears an evening dress that reveals itself to be nothing more than a front, just a sequined smock over jeans and bedroom slippers.

Also, I wish I could wake up and have an Icelandic accent, it would make for an incredible outgoing message on my voicemail.

Thankyou, whoever you are...

click ME for the sick TRUTH!

or, get very frustrated because you are a tech tard and cant figure out how to put in a hyperlink.

or,just visit www.planethiltron.com to see what happens when photoshop falls into the hands of the wickedly wonderful.


Although, for a moment, there was something deeply poetic about clicking on "ME" or "TRUTH" and finding out that the page does not exist.

Try it for kicks.

Hello Ladies...

the captain has turned off the "fasten seatbelt" sign please feel free to move about the cabin

today's obsession

Instead of doing mind-numbing but practical and necessary things I've been watching Bjork videos on youtube (1 hour give or take 2). She's such a creature, sprung from an imagination not a womb. Hard to imagine her grocery shopping or going to the gynecologist. Activities like covering a wall with eye lashes or time-traveling to the ice age to dance among wooly mammoths in a dress made of fish bones seem more fitting.

She's like a living manifestation of the subconscious.

I'm all stoned out on her, she's floating through my blood stream. I feel like we just had sex.

Felix Arthur Liam Moyano Ventouras

something so calm and easy about him, certainly a knowing.

tonight's walk

I inadvertently offended the owner of this dog when I remarked that I thought he looked like Captain Kangaroo.

overheard in hermosa beach

Dude 1: Holy Shit man! Did you see the tits on that oriental girl?
Dude 2: You mean, asian.

"the most soulful woebegone eyes you have ever seen"

A description of the guitarfish (also called banjo shark) by Dr. Robin Milton Love, from her book PROBABLY MORE THAN YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THE FISHES OF THE PACIFIC COAST





They show up on the fossil record before dinosaurs.
It showed up on the pier the other day.
This poor ancient thing summoned from the depths, brought to the surface to die.
Hung by its tail, blood draining from it's gills, mouth.
It was still alive, god knows how long it had been there. I was on the pier for at least 20 minutes before I noticed it.
I could touch it, and did. It seemed like something you know is there but can't actually feel---like a pancreas or a liver.
The skin was cool and damp and had the texture of the sole of a very expensive ladies shoe.
Barely breathing, it seemed accepting of it's fate...it's eyes all soulful and woebegone.
Death in a place it had never lived.

STRIPSY

drunken state at which removal of clothing begins (audience optional)

last night's walk

I just read a news story about "Fred", a Basset Hound who was found in Arizona, 430 miles away from his home in California.

We had Basset Hounds growing up.
It was my sad little attempt to to get my dad's attention.
He never talked about his past. When I'd ask to hear stories from his childhood he'd answer "Why?"---delivered not as a question, but as an definitive "back-off". But he once mentioned that he'd had a basset named "Mister" . My Dad kinda looked like a basset hound too. I remember one of the neighborhood kids approaching my father...

Kid: "Mr _______? Were you born that way?"
Dad: "What way?"
Kid: "Sad."

After my parents got divorced I begged my Mom for a basset. We got Sam. Sam was sweet and destructive. She'd do just about anything to get in your lap and she also ate right through one of the legs of our piano. She had an adorable way of collapsing belly up for a rub and spent a good deal of time digging holes along our fence line. Eventually she dug one big enough to escape through and the rest of her short life was spent on the lam. It was the same with our other basset, Kong. We found him everytime he escaped, until (cruel twist of fate) my stepmother found him squashed on Meridian Street. Bassets are escape artists, and they don't lead on that they're unhappy at home either.

Ironically, my Dad would eventually move to Florida without telling us.

think with the senses, feel with the mind.

the white balloon

Just looked up and out my doorway and saw a single white balloon gliding across the southern sky. It took all of a second to cross the small patch visible from my vantage point, and I cant help thinking how I would have missed it if I'd looked a second earlier or later. Been in a narcotic haze of benedryl and robutussin all day and that moment somehow pierced right through it.

In Cherokee folklore white symbolizes the southern sky, warmth, peace and happiness; and my head has felt like a balloon dancing above my body since I woke up. Cool.

on today's walk