Back to the Garden

Summer of Love---Lolly style.

momversation

Me: I went to a dinner party this weekend and met some nice people.
Mom: That's nice. Do you think you'll see any of them again?
Me: Yes, actually. One of them invited me to a party she's having next week.
Mom: Wow. Thats like icing on a cake that already has icing!

Lolly Wins!

Mom recently won "runner-up" in a free-style drawing contest...her prize was a silver headdress and a set of fur pasties.

Momversations: a movie review

Mom: I went to see that movie, Australia.
Me: Oh really, how was it?
Mom: Well I didnt really like it at all, it was too big and hard to focus on, and that lead man Hugh Jackson, the way his body is built...well, those arent the kind of muscles you get from the outside like a real man, he has the kind of muscles you get inside, like from an exercise place.

Mom and her friend Sandy make the pages of advanced style with these inspired outfits.

momversations

Mom: You wont believe what happened the other night, it was the straw that took the cake!

My step sister and I took my Mom to New York over the weekend.
She lost something everywhere we went: earrings, glasses case, gloves...

We lost her every place we went: Neue Gallery, Metropolitan Museum of Art, Metropolitan Opera House, MOMA.

We almost lost our sense of humor, but continued to find it again and again at the bottom of a wine glass.

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Mom has macular degeneration (or "the macular", as she puts it). And when you have the macular, reading the small print on the placards next to paintings can slow you down.
Missy (my step-sister) and I didnt want to rush her so we all agreed to go at our own pace. Miss and I would zip through the galleries and double back every so often to check on Mom, that was the plan.... First we lost her at the Neue.

Me: Have you seen Mom?
Missy: Well, she was right behind me and I went into the next room. When I went back 3 minutes later she was gone. There are only 2 rooms on that floor. Maybe she went up to the 3rd floor?
Me: Well, that's where I was. There are only 3 rooms on that floor and she's definately not in any of those.
Missy: I bet she's in the gift shop.

We go to the gift shop...she's not there.

Me: Ok, You take one floor I'll take the other, whoever finds her first--texts the other.
Missy: Ok.

15 minutes later Missy and I meet on the stairs. Mom has been missing for almost 40 minutes.

Me: I think we just stay put, hang around the entrance. I cant imagine where she's gone?

5 minutes later...

Mom: Hi girls!
Me: Where have you been? We were looking for you for almost an hour?
Mom: Well, I had to go to the bathroom.
Me: Well, you have to tell one of us if you do that again, ok?

Next stop the Metropolitan. We made it through ancient civilizations without a hitch.

The instructions were.."Mom, I wanna take a picture...you and Missy get in line with the statues."

Adjustment after re-emphasizing word "in line"


We lost her somewhere between John Singer Sargent and Matisse.


Miss and I log another hour+ frantically searching. We finally head towards the security desk, thinking we need to put out an APB. And, there she is, standing erect like a child who knows she's in trouble and trying to look "not in trouble."

Later that evening...**************************************

We go to the Metropolitan Opera to see Carmen. Missy and I sit down in our seats.

Me: Wait, where's Mom?
Missy: She went to the restroom.
Me: Oh shit, do you think we should have waited for her.
Missy: She'll be ok, she knows where we're sitting.

The lights go down.
Mom's seat is empty.
She misses the entire first act, or so I think. I find her at intermission.

Mom: "Well Honey, what did you think?"
Me: "Oh Mom, you missed the whole first act! We're you ok, what did you do?
Mom: Oh well they wouldnt let me in and Damn IT! that really made me mad so I found someone who worked there and told that I came all the way from Indianapolis to see an Opera at the Metropolitan Opera House and that my Great Aunt was the first American to make her Debut here and I wasn't about to miss any of it!"

It's true, my great great aunt, Margaret Reid, was the first American to make her debut at the Met. Later she turned down a private audience with Queen Victoria because she had a prior engagement (turning down the Queen's request was unheard of). However, Victoria was so impressed by Margaret's loyalty to her "public" that she gave her one of her favorite necklaces, a jeweled cross. Now it rests in a lock box at a bank in Indianapolis.


Mom: "They went on a computer and looked it up and then let me in upstairs at one of the balconies. So I didn't miss a thing!"

***********************************************************

The following day we went to MOMA, but this time we set down EXPLICIT procedures. If Mom hadnt seen either one of us in over a half hour she was to head back to a designated area and wait for one of us to get her. Well, it worked for the first 2 floors...Over an hour (again) had gone by, she is NO WHERE. Eventually I see her hurrying to get to the "designated area" where she stands nervously.

Me: "MOM! You are in Trouble! Miss and I have been taking turns looking for you and standing in this spot for over an hour. You didn't obey the rules! Where were you!"
Mom: "Well, I know, I know I didnt do as I was told. I dont know what happened. I took an elevator and got sort of lost and then I found the gift shop and they had such wonderful books and I got completely lost in a Bob Dylan book, did you know he was a painter? I didnt, I'm having them ship the book to me. And I had to get a book about Lucien Freud, he sure does have a lot of books. It probably took me 20 minutes to decide which one to get. Anyway, I just forgot and I rushed over here as quickly as I could. I'm sure you girls must want my hide."




My mom, Lolly, (that's her real, impossibly perfect name) has always been this way. Age has only intensified it. My mom reports that when I was 3 or 4 I marched up to her after being scolded and said with my hands on my hips "Don't talk to me back to myself! Dont you know, I'm really the mother!"

momversations

Mom: Guess what!
Me: What?
Mom: I'm getting a cell phone!
Me: Wow. You seem so excited, that's great Mom. Did Tom help you?
Mom: No! I did it all by myself.
Me: Really, Mom I applaud your efforts.
Mom: Well, you young people and your equipment. I'm only getting it for emergencies.
Me: Well, that's all you need it for.
Mom: It's only $20 a month, and I get 50 minutes! And I dont have to pay for the phone, now I think that's a real deal.
Me: It's perfect for you.
Mom: I just called Verizon, well, I had to call twice because the first girl I talked to...well, she had one of those accents that people talk with now.
Me: What do you mean? She was foreign?
Mom: No, she just, well, no one your age really talks that way, but younger people do. It's embarrassing but, I just cant understand it. Imagine, I cant even understand English! I was nice about it, but I had to ask her to repeat everything 3 and 4 times and I only partially understood.
Me: Can you imitate it for me?
Mom: No. It's sort of high and something about the way they say M's and the O's. It's a blurry sound. So after about 20 minutes I just told her I dont understand and then I called back 5 minutes later and, thank god, I got a nice man who spoke the kind of English that I can hear. He helped me get my phone.

********
Later, same phone call...

Mom: I'm playing a 60 year old in a play! (Mom is 74) Isnt that a riot? I play a preacher's wife who's very staunch and she only dyes her hair in the front. And guess who plays my husband...
Me: Who?
Mom: My cousin, John ! And, as you know, he's a gay. It's just a crack-up!

momversations

MOM: Its so sad about that Heath Ledger.
ME: I know. I hate thinking about it.
MOM: It reminds me of those French brothers.
ME: Huh? What French brothers?
MOM: You know they were actors, one died. Jacques, or something.
ME: Like in a story ? Or this really happened?
MOM: No, it happened. Maybe they were Spanish.
ME: How long ago did this happen?
MOM: No, maybe they were Mexican.
ME; I have no idea mom.
MOM: No, they were close to your age.
ME: OH! You're thinking of River and Joachin Phoenix!
MOM: YES! Rivers! Wait, that's not a French name. Is it?

insomnia/momversation

Almost midnight here and I feel, um, well, awake. I should be asleep. But, instead, I have a tired body and alert mind that keeps bringing me a dirty slobbery tennis ball like a Jack Russell terrier wanting to play.


My mom sent me a very sweet card and then, in her very dear way, included this 2 inch by 2 inch section from an article...

she writes, "NOT SURE WHAT HAPPENED TO REST OF ARTICLE BUT DONT THINK IT WAS PARTICULARLY IMPORTANT"

here is the sent portion of that article :

You love your son or daughter who suffers from attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder, but sometimes it can get to be a little too much.

You can take some solace in the fact that you are not alone. About one child in 20 is diagnosed with ADHD, says Dr. Rick Robertson, a psychiatrist with Valle Viste Hospital in Greenwood.

"ADHD is really a deficit of self-regulation," Robertson says. "it's not an inability to pay attention, but an inability to make yourself pay attention."

and it made me think of one our recent conversations which went something like this...

ME: I think I'll bring Tim to Missy and Pat's Holiday party.
MOM: Sam?
ME: No, Tim.
MOM: Well then,who's Sam?
ME: What?
MOM: Who's SAM?
ME: I don't know.
MOM: I thought you said you were bringing Sam.
ME: No, I said I was bringing Tim, you said Sam.
MOM: I'm confused, who's Tim?
ME: A friend of mine.
MOM: But wait, then who's Sam?

keep the brown betty

Mom: Hi honey. Listen, I'm getting rid of a few things. Do you want me to keep the Brown Betty tea set?

Me: The what?

Mom: The Brown Betty tea set. It was Nan's, no wait it was Aunt DeeDee's. Oh no I think it was Tante Margaret's. Maybe she gave it to Dee Dee. Yes, that's right.

Me: Oh Mom, no thanks.

Mom: Are you sure? It's quite attractive.

Me: Mom, it's just nothing I really want or need.

Mom: But it's an antique, it may be worth something.

Me: Well if you think you can get something for it I am encouraging you to sell it.

Mom: I don't think we should sell it. It's so unusual.

Me: I really don't want it.

Mom: It's old, now if Daddy was 73 and she was 30 years older, that makes it very old.

Me: Huh? If Daddy was 73?

Mom: That's how old he was when he died.

Me: And that's how your figuring out how old it is?

Mom: Well Tante Margaret was 30 years older than him.

Me: (5 seconds of silence) Mom, I really don't want the tea set. You can keep it for yourself if you'd like.

Mom: No, no I don't want it.

Me: Ok, let's just get rid of it.

Mom: But you might change your mind later.

Me: MOM, I don't want it. I dont use tea sets!

Mom: But you could put it on a bookshelf and tell stories about it when people come over.

Me: I could, but I don't think that's a reason to keep something.

Mom: Well, you think about it. I'll just hold on to it in case.

momversation #11391103339

Me: Hi Mom.

Mom: Hi Honey.

Me: Your voice is dragging a little, are you okay?

Mom: I'm fine I just didn't sleep very well, I was up really late trying to figure out a problem.

Me: Well, maybe I can help. What is it?

Mom: I just can't do math, I dont understand numbers. Everytime I add it all up it's wrong.

Me: Ok, what are you trying to add.

Mom: Well, Cindy Eitlejorg spent $360 on catering, and Edna van Riper spent $160 on Eddie the bartender and drinks, and I spent $266.84 on invitations.

Me: What 's this for?

Mom: The Strickland boy is getting married. It was a shower for his bride.

Me: Ok, so what's the problem, are you trying to split things evenly?

Mom: Yes. But I keep paying more than Edna! I just don't understand it.

Me: Did you add everything up and divide it by 3?

Mom: Yes, but it's different every time.

Me: Ok, well 360 + 160 + 266 = 786. Divide that by 3 and you get 262. So everyone owes 262.

Mom: No that's not right, I think Edna owes me 53.

Me: Are you getting that from adding 266 and 160 and dividing it by 2?

Mom: Yes, but that's still not right. If I paid 266 and she paid 160 and then she pays me 53 that makes her contribution only 213 and I still paid 266!

Me: Yes, but you now also have a check for 53 which is like you only spent 213.

Mom: But we still have to pay for the catering!

Me: The 360? Why dont you and Edna each just write Cindy a check for 120?

Mom: NO! You're not listening. The bill is sitting over at Edna's. She has to pay the $360!

Me: ^#%&&%@??? Huh? I thought Cindy paid for the catering.

Mom: NO! Edna and I are splitting the catering, we're splitting the cost of the whole shower!

Me: Wait, where does Cindy Eitlejorg come in?

Mom: She just arranged for the caterer, Edna and I are paying for it.

Me: Ok. I think I understand now. So we're just splitting this 2 ways.

Mom: Right.

Me: Ok. (deep breath) So, at the end of the day, you will each have spent $393.

Mom: Wait, how did you get that number?

Me: I added the cost of everything and divided it by 2. 786 divided by 2 is 393.

Mom: Talk slower, I'm writing this down.

Me: Mom, you don't need ...ok I'll talk slower. So the easiest solution is to have Edna pay for the catering (since the check is at her house) and you send her a check for $127.

Mom: But then aren't I paying more than Edna? No, wait, she's paying more than me. Now, I'm confused who's paying more.

Me: (#@@##&^&**+_^%^##$^$%$) NO ONE, it's an even split!

Mom: Now dont get all huffy! You have me writing Edna a check, remember.

Me: I KNOW, BUT EDNA IS PAYING FOR THE CATERING SO YOU ARE REIMBURSING HER!

Mom: NO WERE SPLITTING THE CATERING!

Me: (Silence, pause, deep breath) Mom, I'm going to need to hang up now and call you back in a little bit.

Mom: You really have no patience and temper control problems, you always have.

Me: Goodbye Mom.

La Vie En Black

Mom: So. Have you seen any movies lately?

Me: Um, well I saw Sicko last week, but I already talked to you about that.

Mom: Oh, Sicko? I heard I wasn't supposed to see that, it's supposed to be awful. Isn't that a horror movie?

Me: Not in the classic sense, but some of the information is pretty scary. It's a documentary, Mom, about the healthcare industry in America.

Mom: Who stars in it?

Me: No, Mom, it's a documentary it doesn't have any stars.

Mom: Oh. Well have you seen that movie about Eartha Kitt? It's supposed to be wonderful.

Me: A documentary?

Mom: No I think it's a movie about her life.

Me: No, I didn't realize there was a movie out about her.

Mom: Oh, yes. She was black, right.

Me: Yes, I think she still is.

Mom: Well I think the person who's playing her isn't even black.

Me: Really? I can't believe I haven't heard more about this. Are you sure?

Mom: Wait, maybe it was Billie Holliday. Was she black?

Me: Yes. This is a new movie?

Mom: Yes, Oh wait. I think she's played by Catherine Zeta Jones!

Me: Catherine Zeta Jones as Billie Holliday? Really?

Mom: Well, wait. Billie Holliday took paris by storm and had drug problems, right?

Me: Oh wait a minute, are you sure you don't mean La Vie En Rose? You know, the movie about Edith Piaf?

Mom: Oh yes! That's what I mean. Now, was she black?

you have...mass

Mom: I'm having one of those colonoscopies tommorow. That's not that thing you do, right. You do something different.

Me: Yeah, I get colonics.

Mom: Well how often?

Me: Oh, like once or twice a year.

Mom: and you think it's help to keep your weight down?

Me: Well, I don't know, maybe. That's not why I do it, but it does help my body digest better so it probably helps with weight. But honestly Mom, I eat pretty well and exercise regularly, plus I'm not really a fat person to begin with.

Mom: Well, no. You're not fat, but you have a bigness, you have...what would I call it...mass.

Me: (silently to self) @#^#@%$#^$#*&^%^#@^^%)(**^%#$#$!$@##W^&%^%!


Anne Lamott recounts a story from her friend, Tom.

Tom:
"Parents behavior can make us a little crazy sometimes. My 94 year old mother said something annoying to me over the phone on Christmas Eve, and I wined at her, 'I HATE it when you say that.' So she says it again, right? I said, 'Please dont't say that. It makes me feel like an eleven year old.' And when she said it again, I slammed down the phone.

She's 94! I'm a middle-aged PRIEST----and it's Christmas Eve!"

the definition of insanity

Me: I'm looking into taking voice lessons.

Mom: Hmmm (disapprovingly) Why?

Me: I'm not trying to become a singer or anything, I'm just looking to focus on unlocking my expression--- I thought it would be helpful to learn from someone who knows how to open up the voice. Plus, I think it would be fun and feel so good to sing.

Mom: That sounds expensive.

Me: Mom, can't you just be supportive?

Mom: How am I not being supportive? I just think you cant afford lessons and I dont see how it's gonna help you with your art. You express yourself to me just fine.

Me: Oh Mom, you don't get it. It's ok. I shouldn't have brought this up. It reminds me of that saying about the definition of insanity.

Mom: I don't think I know what your talking about.

Me: There's a saying, that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

Mom: That sounds like depression.

Me: Let me put it another way...It's like going to Nordstrom's and expecting to come home with groceries and enlightenment.

Mom: Ok. Well I still don't understand why you need singing lessons.