Me: Hi Mom.
Mom: Hi Honey.
Me: Your voice is dragging a little, are you okay?
Mom: I'm fine I just didn't sleep very well, I was up really late trying to figure out a problem.
Me: Well, maybe I can help. What is it?
Mom: I just can't do math, I dont understand numbers. Everytime I add it all up it's wrong.
Me: Ok, what are you trying to add.
Mom: Well, Cindy Eitlejorg spent $360 on catering, and Edna van Riper spent $160 on Eddie the bartender and drinks, and I spent $266.84 on invitations.
Me: What 's this for?
Mom: The Strickland boy is getting married. It was a shower for his bride.
Me: Ok, so what's the problem, are you trying to split things evenly?
Mom: Yes. But I keep paying more than Edna! I just don't understand it.
Me: Did you add everything up and divide it by 3?
Mom: Yes, but it's different every time.
Me: Ok, well 360 + 160 + 266 = 786. Divide that by 3 and you get 262. So everyone owes 262.
Mom: No that's not right, I think Edna owes me 53.
Me: Are you getting that from adding 266 and 160 and dividing it by 2?
Mom: Yes, but that's still not right. If I paid 266 and she paid 160 and then she pays me 53 that makes her contribution only 213 and I still paid 266!
Me: Yes, but you now also have a check for 53 which is like you only spent 213.
Mom: But we still have to pay for the catering!
Me: The 360? Why dont you and Edna each just write Cindy a check for 120?
Mom: NO! You're not listening. The bill is sitting over at Edna's. She has to pay the $360!
Me: ^#%&&%@??? Huh? I thought Cindy paid for the catering.
Mom: NO! Edna and I are splitting the catering, we're splitting the cost of the whole shower!
Me: Wait, where does Cindy Eitlejorg come in?
Mom: She just arranged for the caterer, Edna and I are paying for it.
Me: Ok. I think I understand now. So we're just splitting this 2 ways.
Mom: Right.
Me: Ok. (deep breath) So, at the end of the day, you will each have spent $393.
Mom: Wait, how did you get that number?
Me: I added the cost of everything and divided it by 2. 786 divided by 2 is 393.
Mom: Talk slower, I'm writing this down.
Me: Mom, you don't need ...ok I'll talk slower. So the easiest solution is to have Edna pay for the catering (since the check is at her house) and you send her a check for $127.
Mom: But then aren't I paying more than Edna? No, wait, she's paying more than me. Now, I'm confused who's paying more.
Me: (#@@##&^&**+_^%^##$^$%$) NO ONE, it's an even split!
Mom: Now dont get all huffy! You have me writing Edna a check, remember.
Me: I KNOW, BUT EDNA IS PAYING FOR THE CATERING SO YOU ARE REIMBURSING HER!
Mom: NO WERE SPLITTING THE CATERING!
Me: (Silence, pause, deep breath) Mom, I'm going to need to hang up now and call you back in a little bit.
Mom: You really have no patience and temper control problems, you always have.
Me: Goodbye Mom.
